You know when you get in an argument with someone and you fall asleep thinking of the most perfect comeback hours and hours after the time it was relevant? I usually fall asleep making up situations where I can talk openly about infertility with even the most fertile women and never feel like I need to apologize for being open or making them uncomfortable/feel sorry for me.

But instead of changing the minds of people that will never walk this road, I want to write to you, I want to talk to you, the one that needs to hear from a girl that understands you and a girl that cries with you and for you.

This is so lonely, isolating and tough to navigate. It’s excruciating and constant with some waves stronger than others. Sometimes I convince myself I chose this life by deciding I want a family, realizing infertility isn’t life or death but making me feel alive or numb.  I don’t care if I’m misunderstood by women that conceive easily, but it’s my honor to stumble along side of the woman with the single pink line at the end of the month.

I’m constantly torn between enjoying this beautiful life God gave me without distraction and always feeling like something is missing. Guilt overwhelms me when I realize I’m asking for more when I can’t even appreciate what’s already given to me.

And today may have been a bad day. Maybe no one even knew you cried at your desk, but please, please know it’s okay. There’s no roadmap of how to deal with infertility and the emotions that go along with it, but I pray you’re never ashamed, embarrassed or sorry for being an irrational, hormonal, distant or transparent mess of a women.

Maybe your Facebook news feed included three pregnancy announcements that you weren’t prepared for and your heart felt such anger, pain and hope at the same time.

Or maybe today was tough because the thoughts of adoption that always terrified you became more and more real. As hard as it is to admit, that’s one of my biggest struggles. What a blessing adoption is, but I just don’t know if my heart is that strong.

But you know what you do. You grow, you get stronger every day and you fake it til’ ya make it… or fake it til’ ya don’t want to fake it anymore and you break your own mold by staying true to yourself and being real.

His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:23

I never saw the importance of God blessing me with new mercies every morning until I realized I could release all the bad from the previous day and wake up to a fresh start, sun shining and knowing I’m still on the path of God’s plan for me. Without waking up to a new day, living life on a vicious cycle of Groundhog Day would take its toll. I don’t want to live in a constant state of darkness and sadness, and God doesn’t want me to live like that. He won’t let me suffer. But how am I supposed to see His new mercies every morning if I don’t allow myself to look for them?