Waiting…Again.

I didn’t think having a second baby would tough. Since we have (well, had) two frozen embryos, I assumed the hard part was behind us and we’d pop those suckers in and walah! (Viola! but that doesn’t look right)  Gus would have siblings.

Both embryos were essentially the same grade as Gus so I was full of excitement when I made the first call to schedule our consultation. All aboard the Let’s Have Another train, woot woot!

I couldn’t believe how easy the Frozen Embryo Transfer process was, especially compared to the bumpy road and unknown expectations the Fresh Cycle brought. I had to take 3 pills (of estrogen, 2 mg) a day and two inserts of Crinone (progesterone) for a few weeks before the transfer + one doctors visit to check my uterine lining and that. was. it! No shots? No trips to Cincinnati every other day? No carrying grapefruit sized ovaries around all day? Woot woot!

The transfer itself went great. We changed into scrubs, kissed the picture of the embryo and watched on the screen as the doctor ever so gently placed our sweet, sweet Baby Wurt into the top of my uterus and prayed for a successful implantation.

In all honesty, it wasn’t until about 5dp5dt that I started having weird thoughts of doubt. I was so positive, so confident, so hopeful until that day that I really had not spent any time thinking about the possibility of it not working. I put all my worry into thinking about what we would do with the third frozen embryo, in the case we don’t want a third child but I couldn’t fathom “destroying” a potential miracle that we worked so hard for.

When asked, I told my friends and family I didn’t feel pregnant, like I did with Gus. I had energy, an appetite, I still had my insomnia — all the opposite of the early days with the first pregnancy. I started spotting and called the clinic, where she comforted me that it was “normal, and probably from the Crinone” which I confirmed with my research, it was normal.

But I still knew.

Three days before the proposed beta testing day, I knew I couldn’t wait. For the very first time in every single infertility procedure, I tested early. First test – positive. It was faint, but it was positive. Second test – negative.

Great. (insert eye roll)

I called the clinic again and we decided to do the beta test the next day, two days early.

Results: technically, pregnant. But the number (24) is too low for a viable pregnancy.

I didn’t cry immediately. The nurse and I talked about it for a little bit and discussed the low hcG + the bleeding meant I should discontinue the medicine, retest on Thursday and we’ll discuss our next steps in a few days with the doctor.

It’s been 22 hours and I’m sorting through the result the best I know how. I was used to negative tests with Clomid or a trigger shot, even with IUI, I was okay. But I never dreamt of receiving a negative test with the “big guns” of IVF/FET.

My Favorites

Four months of motherhood under my belt and I could write a book on everything I’ve learned. It’s a continuous lesson and never a dull moment. I’ll start here with a simple blog post of the things I couldn’t live without… or at least the things that help keep me somewhat sane. “Must-haves” if you will. (If you have ANY questions, don’t hesitate to ask because I’m sure I’ll have some sort of opinion!)

Fisher Price Rock n Play vs. 4Moms MamaRoo

We have both.  For the first 12 weeks, Gus slept in our room in the Fisher-Price Rock n Play Sleeper. This sleeper was an absolute lifesaver for many reasons. First, it was so comfortable for Gus because it kept him tight and warm, like in the womb. With the simple press of a button, it would easily rock and play music for 30 minutes or 8 hours depending on the timer you set. Gus loves to spit up so the fact this is SO easy to clean made those mid-night cleanings less of a pain. The incline is a total bonus to help with reflux. It’s extremely light weight so we could carry it upstairs or downstairs, plus it folds up making it travel friendly. For a cool $70 bucks, it’s a no-brainer.

The MamaRoo is a pretty cool gadget but understandably so with a $249 price tag. While the motion sways in every imaginable way that a newborn would potentially love, it wasn’t a winner in Gus’s book. He never slept more than about 30 minutes in it, but he’d snooze for hours in the Rock n Play. I’m not sure exactly why he didn’t love it but when he learns to talk, I’ll ask him. 😉 Like I said, Gus spits up a lot so the flat bed with virtually no incline wasn’t good for the reflux. Also, it was a P.A.I.N. to clean. Impossible to get apart and beyond frustrating, especially with a messy baby screaming that needed my attention more than the spaceship Mamaroo did. With all that said, if 4Moms would create an adult human size one of these, I’ll be the first in line.

Kiinde & Twist Pouches

Hands down. KIINDE. If you plan on breastfeeding/pumping, you MUST invest in this. It’s $100, but usually on sale for around $80 and is the #1 thing I will recommend to any new mom. I am still exclusively breastfeeding (I don’t know when I’ll stop) and I owe 100% of it to the easiness of the Kiinde system. The system allows you to pump, store and feed breast milk in one easy pouch to eliminate the dreaded and risky transfer of milk. It adapts to any pump, the pouches are recyclable, and the nipples come in three sizes for an appropriate flow for your babe.

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The fact I haven’t cleaned even one bottle in his four months of life is unbelievable. I clean my pump parts and one nipple per feeding and that’s it. SO SIMPLE.

John had six weeks off for paternity leave (wahoo!) so he usually took the night feedings while I pumped. It made the life of having a newborn much easier to be able to hand off the bottle and know Gus was still getting the necessary nutrients that come from breast milk.

I would reorder the Twist pouches from Amazon when I would start running low and by the time I needed more, they’d be on my doorstep! It was just one more benefit of this system. I seriously can’t say enough about the ease this brought.

Lily Jade “Caroline” Diaper Bag

I have the Caroline diaper bag in brown. It has a cute fringe zipper that makes me still feel like a stylist mom but it’s incredibly useful and organized with the compartments to keep me prepared for any outing. Plus, it’s not babyish or too girly that John feels comfortable carrying it as well.

UppaBaby Stroller

You  may think I’m crazy to say we spent $900+ on one stroller but this splurge was 100% totally well worth the hugh price tag. It’s even more embarrassing to admit the additional $600 we spent on the adapter for our car seat, the organizer and the additional seat still doesn’t make me cringe because this one stop shop stroller will function as a single stroller for Gus and will keep growing as our family continues to grow as we add more babies, God willing. Instead of purchasing an umbrella stroller, a running stroller, a bassinet, and other kinds of strollers, this one checks all the boxes!  Plus, it’s lightweight, EASY to fold up and is a dream to steer around. The ginormous extra storage underneath is an added bonus that I never knew would be so beneficial. We bought it in “Jake” which is all black to keep it gender neutral.VISTA15_Jake_set

Chicco KeyFit30

John did research and research and research and found the Chicco Keyfit 30 to be the best and safest car seat. It’s lightweight, easy to install, SAFE and comfortable. Gus LOVES to nap in his car seat and I’ll admit to keeping him in it long after we’ve arrived back at home. An added bonus – it’s the #1 rated infant car seat in America! (hooray!)

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QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? Other must haves that I don’t know about?! Let me know!! XO

August Russell Wurtenberger

Gus, you are so much more than Wurt the Wait.

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My friends. It’s been 4 months since our sweet, handsome August “Gus” Russell Wurtenberger came into this world and I believe I owe y’all an introduction.

World, meet Gus.  Gus, meet World.

For the official stats:

September 30, 2015 (eight days early)
at 12:45 am
8 pounds 1 ounce
19.5 inches.

I have so much to talk about and my goal is to get this blog up and running once again to tell the story of my life after infertility and living with our new precious baby and what I’m learning as a stay at home mama to my miracle IVF baby.

Now that the introduction has been made and I’ve made the big step of hitting publish, I suppose I’m really doin’ it Harry. This here blog is back. in. business!!

22 weeks

HI! Nugget baby BOY (!!!) is 22 weeks now and growing like a weed. I’ve been feeling him kicking and moving around all the time and still get flustered because it seems so unreal. He’s the size of a spaghetti squash – 8 inches and ONE POUND! #beast

We’ve been keeping SUPER busy lately, making it tough to even find time to design the nursery but we’re slowly but surely getting there. We traveled to Seaside, Florida for Memorial Day Weekend to celebrate my cousins wedding and it was a beautiful weekend. As you can see, Baby Wurt definitely made his appearance.

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Here are my recent ultrasound pictures. Unfortunately (sarcastic) we have to go back for another ultrasound because this little munchkin was stubborn and wouldn’t move the little ball he was in, so we couldn’t see the 4 chambers of his heart or his little face. At least we know he has a big, healthy foot and a precious button nose. I can only hope he gets his daddys dimples.

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Some new other fun stuff is that I’m now a Rodan + Fields consultant, so if you’re in need of becoming even more beautiful, let me know and I’d loooove to work with you to make you glamorous!

Soon, I’ll come back with nursery decisions and how we registered, because it’s not all fun and games. 🙂

I love you, Baby Wurt.

12 weeks

My friends, it’s Facebook and Insta official… Baby Wurt is now the size of a large plum and hates his/her mother. I’ve honestly felt fairly decent (with the exception of extreme tiredness and exhaustion) during the first trimester but the last 2-3 days have been some of the worst. In a matter of 1.5 hours, I had a migraine, vomiting and a bloody nose. I’ve never had a single bloody nose in my life prior to pregnancy so that’s a new perk I wasn’t aware of…

Today marks 12 weeks of having our dreams come true and being able to say things like, “we need to remodel our bathroom before the baby arrives.” Which is so much fun to think of but feels too good to be true at the same time.

I never thought I’d do these types of weekly things but it’s much more for my own sake to keep track of all the changes of my feelings, emotions and body and track all of the nuggets changes!

How Far Along? 12 weeks today.
Size of Baby Wurt? A large plum, 2.5 inches,  .5 ounces
Maternity Clothes? I’m getting there… I am definitely using the rubber band trick and only wearing loose shirts, but no official pants yet.
Weight Gain? depends on the minute. 🙂 Maybe 5ish?
Stretch Marks? Nope
Gender? T minus one week until we find out!!
Sleep? It was the best part of the first trimester. But the last week or so, it’s getting tougher. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. Gone are the ambien nights…
Food Cravings? Kiwi. So weird, I know.
What I Miss? Bourbon.
Symptoms? Exhaustion, bloating, some getting sick, MIGRAINES and some more exhaustion.
Belly Button? same as always
Best Moment of the Week? Hearing the nuggets heartbeat. Best sound in the world. John and I have officially graduated from our Cincy infertility clinic and we had our first real, regular OB appointment. They say IVF patients are “spoiled” with the amount of ultrasounds we receive and we won’t continue getting as many. ….RIIIIGHT, we’re so “spoiled”…. anyway, we got to hear it on the doppler and seeing John’s face light up was pretty special. I love seeing him getting more comfortable about getting so excited. Baby Wurt has a very strong heartbeat of 180, consistently.

In case you missed it, this is Baby Wurt’s social media debut.

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Thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers, messages, calls, hugs and support. We could not have done this without you.

Weeee Areeee

I’ve been dreaming of sharing this news for over two years. We. Are. PREGNANT!!! We are over the moon, skip down the sidewalk, throw confetti type of excited. Baby Wurt is nothing less than Wurt the Wait, and as of now, we have a due date of October 8, 2015… 12 days before our third wedding anniversary.

I can’t help but admit that these feelings of knowing our dreams are coming true are pegged with the lingering thoughts of guilt and betrayal that have been created in our infertility journey. It’s been two very long years of endless tests, two failed IUIs, a hysteropingogram, hysteroscopy, polypectomy, samples, poking and proding, countless ultrasounds, over 30 at-home injections all wrapped in billions of tears and prayers. I’ve seen the darkest days of my life throughout the days of infertility. My marriage and friendships have been put through their own tests of strength. Through this journey, we’ve received more support and love than I ever imagined being on the receiving end of, and created unbreakable bonds with TTCsisters.

Which leads me to…infertility brings doubt to my mind that I had never experienced before. I never imagined that some of my very initial thoughts after hearing the words, “you’re pregnant!” would include the feelings of heartbreak that while I am able to see success in our first round of IVF/ICSI, there are so many of my friends that are still left with a baby shaped hole in their heart. It takes so much joy out of this knowing that I will contribute to someones anger, the same anger I felt just two months ago when I heard pregnancy announcements. It’s not fair, it’s just not fair that some of the most deserving people in the world are waiting for their turn to hear, “you’re pregnant!” I’m scared that some of my biggest cheerleaders, fellow TTC-ers, are going to feel like I’m abandoning them or that I won’t understand their pain anymore. I can assure you, the pain, lessons and joys felt and learned through infertility will never, ever be forgotten.

Infertility is a part of my life, a huge part, and always will be. It takes one heck of a woman (and man) to go through the struggles and I hope that everyone going through this knows that even with a BFP, I’m on the sidelines and will continue to be your biggest cheerleader. I’m a strong believer that being in the right mind set contributed to our outcome and I will always continue to pray for everyone on their IF journey.

So here we are, with strong beta results of 403 10dp5dt and then at 12dp5dt – 1214, we are soaking in the joys of early pregnancy but still aware of the long road ahead with many unknowns and doctors appointments full of tests. No matter where we go from here, my faith is in Him.

IZUSH

Howdy, guys! Today, I am 7dp5dt and feeling so much anxiety the past few days. I know there is nothing but time and patience that will get us to testing day but it’s tough!! Sure, patience has never been a strong quality of mine, but I have never had this much trouble in all my other TWWs. As a whole, I’m feeling crampy and anxious.
Oops, I forgot I’m speaking whale again… 7dp5dt means 7 Days Past 5 Day Transfer and TWW means Two Week Wait. 

I joined The Carry Camp awhile back, an online community of women like me… struggling with infertility and looking for support from women who know the pain firsthand. What a joy this has been to me to see God working through these women to inspire me, support me, educate me and most importantly, remind me I’m not alone. They offer daily scripture, weekly devotionals and a small prayer group that I’ve talked about before that I simply adore. I recently received an email from one of the main gals around The Carry Camp that spoke so loudly to me, I knew I had to share the message. No matter your story, whether it’s infertility or not, I have a feeling this will inspire you, too.

In Joshua chapter 1- when Moses had died, God gives Joshua the great opportunity and responsibility to lead the Israelites into the land He had promised them. I’m sure Joshua was terrified at this, and God reassures him that just as He was with Moses, He will be with him. “I will not leave you or forsake you,” He says. “Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

In His unfailing love and timing, I knew I needed this message, and He did too. I’m terrified, nervous, anxious and as I read these words, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I know I am a strong woman and because of God’s message, do not be afraid, He gives me the courage I need to remain that strong woman.

Wynne, the woman that sent me this email, went on to say, “When I was living in Ethiopia, and if I was sad or scared or sick, the sweet teenagers I worked with would always tell me ONE THING: “izush” and it simply meant “be strong.”  So sister, Izush.  You are not alone.  God sees you, He knows where you are going, and He promises to be with you!”

He is with me, and He’s with you, too. During this time of the unknown and twiddling my thumbs as I listen to the second hand tick, I hand my anxiety to Him because He will not leave me or forsake me.