Our doctor has agreed to ONE more round of IVF/ICSI because my AMH levels are just too low to feel confident that any additional rounds would work if the first one doesn’t. From there, donor eggs would be a possibility but I don’t think I could handle that. I really struggle with having that type of pressure to carry another person’s egg with my husbands sperm… what if I miscarried?  With pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby would be my only responsibility, I can’t imagine failing at that.

We were planning to start the final round of IVF in June but while I was on the phone with the pharmacy, I had a freakout and told the lady to cancel my order because I just realized I wasn’t ready to accept the idea that this could really be the end of this journey we’ve fought SO hard for.  I’ve really enjoyed the summer of spending all my time with my family and not worrying about procedures, meds, appointments or anxiety over another loss.

Additionally, I don’t think I’m ready to be forced to end our story of growing our family. As soon as we do the next round, that’s it. No matter the outcome, the chapter is closed and I’m just not ready to admit defeat, although my defeat is God’s time to fill in my holes of loss with grace and gratitude. While unknowns are frustrating, scary and temporary, answers are definite, uncontrollable and so tough to acknowledge when it’s not the answer you’ve been praying for. I’m not ready to toss out the baby gear because my heart still holds a chance of using it again. But as soon as 20 days after the retrieval, I’ll be faced with making a decision of what to do with the storage bins. Facing that fear would maybe be as heartbreaking as the miscarriage.

Our new plan is to start our final round around October and I’m feeling a little more confident because I’ve been taking COQ10 and DHEA 5x a day in hopes to increase my AMH levels.

As always, we appreciate prayers and could not keep going without the army the Lord has placed to cheer us on.

Every single day, I think of I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)
The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the JOY that’s coming. Right there! The powerful, almighty Lord is telling me personally that this pain is worth it! And in comparison to the beautiful joy that I’ll be receiving, it is not even able to be compared. I’m suffering real, intense, daily, heartbreaking pain so knowing the depth of this valley, it excites me to even wonder the type of joy I will experience on the top of the highest mountain. How could I not find beauty in this journey when I know God WILL provide according to His plan?

Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above. With wisdom, power and love, Our God is an awesome God.