Gus, you are so much more than Wurt the Wait.

My friends. It’s been 4 months since our sweet, handsome August “Gus” Russell Wurtenberger came into this world and I believe I owe y’all an introduction.

World, meet Gus.  Gus, meet World.

For the official stats:

September 30, 2015 (eight days early)
at 12:45 am
8 pounds 1 ounce
19.5 inches.

I have so much to talk about and my goal is to get this blog up and running once again to tell the story of my life after infertility and living with our new precious baby and what I’m learning as a stay at home mama to my miracle IVF baby.

Now that the introduction has been made and I’ve made the big step of hitting publish, I suppose I’m really doin’ it Harry. This here blog is back. in. business!!

HI! Nugget baby BOY (!!!) is 22 weeks now and growing like a weed. I’ve been feeling him kicking and moving around all the time and still get flustered because it seems so unreal. He’s the size of a spaghetti squash – 8 inches and ONE POUND! #beast

We’ve been keeping SUPER busy lately, making it tough to even find time to design the nursery but we’re slowly but surely getting there. We traveled to Seaside, Florida for Memorial Day Weekend to celebrate my cousins wedding and it was a beautiful weekend. As you can see, Baby Wurt definitely made his appearance.

Here are my recent ultrasound pictures. Unfortunately (sarcastic) we have to go back for another ultrasound because this little munchkin was stubborn and wouldn’t move the little ball he was in, so we couldn’t see the 4 chambers of his heart or his little face. At least we know he has a big, healthy foot and a precious button nose. I can only hope he gets his daddys dimples.

Some new other fun stuff is that I’m now a Rodan + Fields consultant, so if you’re in need of becoming even more beautiful, let me know and I’d loooove to work with you to make you glamorous!

Soon, I’ll come back with nursery decisions and how we registered, because it’s not all fun and games. 🙂

I love you, Baby Wurt.

My friends, it’s Facebook and Insta official… Baby Wurt is now the size of a large plum and hates his/her mother. I’ve honestly felt fairly decent (with the exception of extreme tiredness and exhaustion) during the first trimester but the last 2-3 days have been some of the worst. In a matter of 1.5 hours, I had a migraine, vomiting and a bloody nose. I’ve never had a single bloody nose in my life prior to pregnancy so that’s a new perk I wasn’t aware of…

Today marks 12 weeks of having our dreams come true and being able to say things like, “we need to remodel our bathroom before the baby arrives.” Which is so much fun to think of but feels too good to be true at the same time.

I never thought I’d do these types of weekly things but it’s much more for my own sake to keep track of all the changes of my feelings, emotions and body and track all of the nuggets changes!

How Far Along? 12 weeks today.
Size of Baby Wurt? A large plum, 2.5 inches,  .5 ounces
Maternity Clothes? I’m getting there… I am definitely using the rubber band trick and only wearing loose shirts, but no official pants yet.
Weight Gain? depends on the minute. 🙂 Maybe 5ish?
Stretch Marks? Nope
Gender? T minus one week until we find out!!
Sleep? It was the best part of the first trimester. But the last week or so, it’s getting tougher. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. Gone are the ambien nights…
Food Cravings? Kiwi. So weird, I know.
What I Miss? Bourbon.
Symptoms? Exhaustion, bloating, some getting sick, MIGRAINES and some more exhaustion.
Belly Button? same as always
Best Moment of the Week? Hearing the nuggets heartbeat. Best sound in the world. John and I have officially graduated from our Cincy infertility clinic and we had our first real, regular OB appointment. They say IVF patients are “spoiled” with the amount of ultrasounds we receive and we won’t continue getting as many. ….RIIIIGHT, we’re so “spoiled”…. anyway, we got to hear it on the doppler and seeing John’s face light up was pretty special. I love seeing him getting more comfortable about getting so excited. Baby Wurt has a very strong heartbeat of 180, consistently.

In case you missed it, this is Baby Wurt’s social media debut.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers, messages, calls, hugs and support. We could not have done this without you.

I’ve been dreaming of sharing this news for over two years. We. Are. PREGNANT!!! We are over the moon, skip down the sidewalk, throw confetti type of excited. Baby Wurt is nothing less than Wurt the Wait, and as of now, we have a due date of October 8, 2015… 12 days before our third wedding anniversary.

I can’t help but admit that these feelings of knowing our dreams are coming true are pegged with the lingering thoughts of guilt and betrayal that have been created in our infertility journey. It’s been two very long years of endless tests, two failed IUIs, a hysteropingogram, hysteroscopy, polypectomy, samples, poking and proding, countless ultrasounds, over 30 at-home injections all wrapped in billions of tears and prayers. I’ve seen the darkest days of my life throughout the days of infertility. My marriage and friendships have been put through their own tests of strength. Through this journey, we’ve received more support and love than I ever imagined being on the receiving end of, and created unbreakable bonds with TTCsisters.

Which leads me to…infertility brings doubt to my mind that I had never experienced before. I never imagined that some of my very initial thoughts after hearing the words, “you’re pregnant!” would include the feelings of heartbreak that while I am able to see success in our first round of IVF/ICSI, there are so many of my friends that are still left with a baby shaped hole in their heart. It takes so much joy out of this knowing that I will contribute to someones anger, the same anger I felt just two months ago when I heard pregnancy announcements. It’s not fair, it’s just not fair that some of the most deserving people in the world are waiting for their turn to hear, “you’re pregnant!” I’m scared that some of my biggest cheerleaders, fellow TTC-ers, are going to feel like I’m abandoning them or that I won’t understand their pain anymore. I can assure you, the pain, lessons and joys felt and learned through infertility will never, ever be forgotten.

Infertility is a part of my life, a huge part, and always will be. It takes one heck of a woman (and man) to go through the struggles and I hope that everyone going through this knows that even with a BFP, I’m on the sidelines and will continue to be your biggest cheerleader. I’m a strong believer that being in the right mind set contributed to our outcome and I will always continue to pray for everyone on their IF journey.

So here we are, with strong beta results of 403 10dp5dt and then at 12dp5dt – 1214, we are soaking in the joys of early pregnancy but still aware of the long road ahead with many unknowns and doctors appointments full of tests. No matter where we go from here, my faith is in Him.

Howdy, guys! Today, I am 7dp5dt and feeling so much anxiety the past few days. I know there is nothing but time and patience that will get us to testing day but it’s tough!! Sure, patience has never been a strong quality of mine, but I have never had this much trouble in all my other TWWs. As a whole, I’m feeling crampy and anxious.
Oops, I forgot I’m speaking whale again… 7dp5dt means 7 Days Past 5 Day Transfer and TWW means Two Week Wait. 

I joined The Carry Camp awhile back, an online community of women like me… struggling with infertility and looking for support from women who know the pain firsthand. What a joy this has been to me to see God working through these women to inspire me, support me, educate me and most importantly, remind me I’m not alone. They offer daily scripture, weekly devotionals and a small prayer group that I’ve talked about before that I simply adore. I recently received an email from one of the main gals around The Carry Camp that spoke so loudly to me, I knew I had to share the message. No matter your story, whether it’s infertility or not, I have a feeling this will inspire you, too.

In Joshua chapter 1- when Moses had died, God gives Joshua the great opportunity and responsibility to lead the Israelites into the land He had promised them. I’m sure Joshua was terrified at this, and God reassures him that just as He was with Moses, He will be with him. “I will not leave you or forsake you,” He says. “Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

In His unfailing love and timing, I knew I needed this message, and He did too. I’m terrified, nervous, anxious and as I read these words, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I know I am a strong woman and because of God’s message, do not be afraid, He gives me the courage I need to remain that strong woman.

Wynne, the woman that sent me this email, went on to say, “When I was living in Ethiopia, and if I was sad or scared or sick, the sweet teenagers I worked with would always tell me ONE THING: “izush” and it simply meant “be strong.”  So sister, Izush.  You are not alone.  God sees you, He knows where you are going, and He promises to be with you!”

He is with me, and He’s with you, too. During this time of the unknown and twiddling my thumbs as I listen to the second hand tick, I hand my anxiety to Him because He will not leave me or forsake me.

The day we had been waiting for finally arrived! Tuesday, January 20, 2015 … the day our sweet little angel embaby was transferred into my uterus. Did I really just say that in baby talk? Guilty.

We drove to Cincinnati for our 11:30am transfer appointment. I didn’t sleep the night before out of pure excitement and even though I had no idea what to expect, I wasn’t anxious at all. I was so ready and all the nurses, who are basically our best friends these days, all greeted us with their usual smiles and joy. One of our favorite nurses even said, “Girl! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!!” and it was true… we hadn’t been in the office all the way from Thursday until Tuesday, the longest break from the doctors office we’ve had in months!

I got changed into a super hot outfit and John even got to wear accessories on his head and feet which felt nice to include him on the goofiness that is infertility.

We walked into the “operating room” (in quotes because it was the room across the hall and looks more like a torture chamber than an operating room with a cubby hole in the left corner that a random man is waiting in to hand over your embryos to the doctor while we stare bug-eyed at the ultrasound screen even though it’s blank) and John took his seat on a rolling stool while I threw my legs over the stirrups as I had been conditioned to do. By the point of transfer time in the infertility journey, your mind goes like this: 1. walk into a room. 2. see stirrups. 3. put your legs up and scootch down. It doesn’t matter if you’re the patient or not, you can’t help it.

The doctor and nurse brought over the paperwork with the measurements of our sweet embabies and showed us the stats of the one we would transfer and the two we would freeze for any recent transfers. The remaining four embryos would stay in the lab and continue to be watched, but as of Day 5, it was evident they would not be viable past Day 6. John and I nodded, without saying a word, and watched as the cubby hole man handed over our embryo to the doctor. The nurse put the ultrasound thingy on my belly so we could watch the doctor as he transferred the embryo from the dish, through a catheter, and into it’s new home between the thick walls of my uterus. And that, my friends, was that. I stayed put for about 10 minutes and then John and I headed home. I went back to work for the afternoon and have been back to the daily grind of life in the meantime while we patiently wait until we’re allowed to get the blood work to confirm if our dreams are coming true. We’ve decided to stay a little hush hush about the actual day we can find out, simply for our own reasons so we can handle the results accordingly to ourselves depending on which way they go.

I’ve felt great. I began progesterone injections the same day as the retrieval so my body began to mimic pregnancy to create a welcoming and nurturing environment for the embryo. Since beginning these injections, I have already been feeling several pregnancy symptoms (even before the transfer) like the incredibly sore boobs, increased sense of smell and one I wasn’t aware of — EXTREMELY dry eyes, I’m talkin’ dry to the point that I went to sleep around 7pm a few nights ago simply because they hurt so bad that I just decided to shut them! They burn, water, itch and get red. It’s very strange.

Since I try to never leave you without some education, here’s the lesson… the embryo we transferred was a 4AA.  Blastocysts are “graded” on their quality using three different categories – each represented by the number or letters, i.e. 4AA. The number (4) is the expansion grade of the development is the number, the inner cell mass quality (A) is listed second, and the trophectoderm grade (A) listed third. So our blastocyst quality grade of 4AA means that the blastocyst is expanded, has many tightly packed cells in the inner cell mass, and has a trophectoderm with many cells, forming a cohesive layer. To give you something to base this on, embryos can range from 1CC (yikes, not good) to 6AA… so we are very hopeful that our 4AA will be successful.

What’s that you ask? Oh, you say you’re more of a visual person and wish you could see our embabies very first photo shoot? You’re in luck… here’s the very first picture, taken exactly 12 minutes before the transfer. I’d be lying if I said John and I didn’t both kiss the picture because we’re already in love.

Implant, baby, impant. Grow, baby, grow.

I know God heard all your prayers, because I felt them! I can’t thank you enough for your kind words, messages, scriptures and love you have sent our way.

Today marks Day 8 since the retrieval and Day 3 since the transfer. Both went great… a complete rundown – we had 10 eggs retrieved, 7 eggs fertilized, 2 embryos frozen and one embryo transferred.

The Retrieval
We scheduled our retrieval for Thursday, January 15.  Before we got to that point, here are the shots I had been taking leading up to the retrieval point …
1/3 – 1/8: Gonal F 300iu
1/8 – 1/12: Gonal F 300iu + Cetrotide
1/13: Cetrotide + Ovidrel
I did not produce as many follicles as I would’ve hoped, probably because of my low AMH levels. Generally, the retrieval is canceled if the patient doesn’t produce at least 5-15 follicles and the doctor was only counting 5-6 follicles for me on the ultrasounds, which is why our retrieval was about three days past our initial plan.. to give me more time to grow the existing follicles. Apparently God and the doctor know what they’re doing because we were very pleased to have retrieved 10 eggs! Most, well, maybe not most, but it’s not uncommon for women to have 20-30+ eggs retrieved.

As for as the retrieval process… it was a relief!!! I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable because of my swollen ovaries, but it wasn’t bad at all.. not like I was carrying around grapefruits like I was anticipating to feel. But it was a relief because the procedure itself was painless, simple and easy. Of course a Valium and a little bit of pain meds helped with that, but even the next couple days weren’t awful. I was attached to a heating pad (or a little sticky heated patch when I went to work) but other than that, I was a happy girl. Friday through Sunday, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I looked at myself in the mirror (and John laughed too) because I was SO BLOATED, I could’ve been mistaken for a 9 month pregnant lady! Apparently your ovaries fill up with fluids after the retrieval which causes that. Thankfully, that all went down and now I’m just back to being fat. 😉

The nurses would call me with embryos reports to tell me how they were doing and growing in the meantime. We were originally scheduled for a Day 3 transfer (Sunday). This is a little odd to try to explain because there are a million moving parts and opinions that contribute to this, but I’ll try…

A Day 3 transfer has certain benefits that are undeniable. One is that an embryo will grow best in it’s natural environment, which would naturally be the uterus. However, knowing which embryos to transfer on Day 3 would be a gamble since it’s survival of the fittest and only time determines how certain embryos will grow and divide. On Sunday, the day of our initial Day 3 transfer, our embryo report said there were 4 embryos with 8-10 cells and 3 embryos with ~5 cells and the rest were still going strong as well. However, if we transferred one of the 4 biggest embryos at that time, the chances of pregnancy are slim, especially since only 3 total made past Day 5.

So, by the Day 5 transfer, we could make a more educated “guess” as to which embryos are the strongest, healthiest options for us to transfer since the embryos had gone through the blastocyst stage. Another benefit of the Day 5 Blast is a lower risk of multiple pregnancies. If we had thrown in (sorry, I get casual with my vocabulary when discussing this sometimes) transferred two embryos on Day 3 and happened to have chosen the perfect two, we would have a higher chance of being blessed with twins. However, with the Day 5 transfer, we knew we had one embryo that was strong and powerful and perfect, so we only transferred that one, which significantly decreases the chances of twins since this would require the embryo to split, instead of just implanting two. Am I doing a terrible job of explaining this because I feel like my words are jello and lack substance here? Plus, I’d used to explaining this in person and for some reason, I feel like people understand it (or are better fakers in person) when I use my hands and arms to explain…

Before my brain shuts down and no one reads about the transfer, I’m going to start a new post and explain the transfer, because that is FULL OF EDUCATION also!! Betcha didn’t know you signed up for a science class, didja?

Let me know if you have any questions because I’d love to answer them, whether it’s general infertility or retrieval specific!

Just a quick post today for a little request…

We have our transfer tomorrow and we would appreciate your prayers, just as we always have! We’ve been waiting for so long and we are certainly ready and excited to be at this stage and one step closer to meeting Baby Wurt!

The doc says our embabies are looking strong and ready for transfer after the blastocyst!  Thanks for your prayers. XO

Jayme and John … and Woodford … and Baby(ies) Wurt 🙂

My goal in sharing my story is not to make you feel uncomfortable or sorry for me. It is difficult for me to share my struggles and pain, but I can only hope my vulnerability can be translated to encourage you to open your eyes and take the chance to learn about compassion and understanding a journey other than your own. My goal is to educate.

I don’t want to educate you on infertility alone, but the entire struggle that comes along with it. The lessons I wouldn’t have learned if God handed us a baby as soon as we felt we were ready are invaluable. My story is not over, for all I know, it could be just the beginning. Regardless if this is Chapter 1 or Chapter 29, I’m thankful to have found and been able to see so many lights in this darkness because without it, my story would be one of judgment, sorrow, pain and grieving. My light is the conscious effort I put forth in finding the good in every bad and seeing the opportunity in every obstacle.

I have worked, hard, to find this inner peace. It is natural for me to be the insatiable, selfish and impulsive hot head I’ve always been. I’m an emotional woman; full of opinions and no filter. I speak before I think and I’m no stranger to putting my foot in my mouth. I’ve been comfortable for the past 28 years with having my emotions control my behaviors. But when I noticed I was beginning to feel unhealthy bitterness towards birth announcements and other babies, I knew I would lose the battle with myself if I began to crumble by not finding joy in other people’s happiness. As soon as I acknowledged those ugly feelings, I began to teach myself how to deal with them. The energy you put out is the energy you receive, and my stubborn self knew I was not going to accept negativity headed in my direction. I learned to recognize that pain and tell myself the same thing every time I felt the initial woe is me feeling …

It’s okay to be sad during infertility. But it is not okay to feel defeated by the blessings other people receive. This is not about you, Jayme, it is nothing personal. It’s about timing and trust. I trust in His timing. Be thankful for their blessing, as you will want them to celebrate with you when our blessing comes. 

And just like that, I began to feel their happiness before my pain. Of course I still want to throw my phone across the room sometimes when I’m perusing Facebook and feel caught off guard, but that’s normal (I think).  And yes, sometimes I still roll my eyes when I find myself on the receiving end of a brag session about someones kid. But I gotta keep it real and admit I’m not completely, immediately grateful for the rocky road we’ve been handed.

I suppose a large part of this epiphany is God’s grace and knowing the weaker I am, the stronger He is. I smile when I think about how weak I must have been at the beginning of this journey and where I saw holes, God saw nothing but opportunity.

Learning how to control my feelings and knowing it is mind over matter has become one of the lights that has found its way through the darkness. It is one more way I know God’s timing is perfect, because I know I want to be the strongest woman I can possibly be for that child of mine that will look up to me, someday.

For those of us counting, here are some key numbers over the past 10 (yes, ten) days..

787 – number of miles we’ve driven back and forth to Cincinnati
21 – number of hormone shots I’ve taken
4 – ultrasounds
6 – times I’ve had my blood drawn

When you add all that up, know what you get? A RETRIEVAL DATE! hip hip hooray!  We are all set for our egg retrieval on Thursday! Initially, we were aiming for Monday, January 12 but due to my low number of follicles, the doc wanted to keep me on the highest dose of Gonal F and Cetrotide for a few more days to keep the follicles growing. Think quality over quantity in my case. We now have about five good follicles to work with and I’ve been in constant communication with God to keep His hand on all five little follies. After the egg retrieval, we will do the transfer 3-5 days later and from there, we wait!

Over the course of my 21 shots, I can say I am now not afraid of shots or needles and my bloated tummy looks like a battlefield with all its bruises and red welts. As far as side effects go, I’ve experienced three day long migraines, an unquenchable thirst, some expected cramping/soreness and the normal hot flashes. I was not expecting it to be as physical as it’s been but that’s one more thing to add to the list of lessons learned.

Tonight, I will take my final injection which is the Ovidrel to get my eggs to release and fully prepared for the egg retrieval 36 hours after the shot. In the past two weeks, I have become so used to taking shots that the thought of only popping two prenatal vitamins tomorrow will feel like nothing, which is fine by me!

Of course I am full of every emotion possible as we embark on the first official procedures for IVF. I never thought I’d be one to tell this side of the story but in that, I am so thankful for the opportunity to learn to put all trust in God and know His plans for me are perfect. His overall vision of my entire life down to each tiny detail has been created just for me. While it’s not the easy path I would’ve picked, I’m full of faith and grace that it’s the perfect path He laid for no one but me.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7