To you, infertility is the inability to conceive children.

To me, infertility is everything. It is the constant reminder of failures. It’s getting your hopes up and imagining how you’re going to announce your pregnancy only to be devastated as you see a lonely pink line. You knew this test would be different, you knew your body felt different this time. Yet again, you find yourself with a negative pregnancy test and since life must go on, you tell yourself you’ll grieve later that night. You use the blanket you’ve been storing in the back of your closet to wipe your tears.

Infertility is suffering a miscarriage, the loss of this baby you prayed for and knew was made just for you. The tease of a miscarriage, knowing your body could get pregnant but unable to carry and nurture a baby. Dealing with the loss and plaguing the rest of your entire life with milestones you should be celebrating instead of trying to not acknowledge. It’s watching your friends have babies on your due date, or seeing a family introduce a fourth sibling as you wait for your one miracle.

Infertility is exhausting. Month by month, TWW by TWW, you experience the ultimate emotional rollercoaster all. the. time.  You put your heart out there, put all your faith in Him, and you exhaust yourself with being filled with hope and crushed by heartbreak. Over and over and over again. It’s reaching the point of exhaustion that you debate taking next month off procedures, but convincing yourself you can’t waste a month of chances and you set yourself up again because through the exhaustion, you still have so much fight left in you. 

It’s sacrificing your body for merely a “chance” of conceiving. You take daily shots, 5 pills a day, insert stuff, give blood, take blood, go through surgeries and acupuncture to get your body comfortable that an embryo will grow into a fetus and feel comfortable enough in your hospitable uterus to dig in deep and become a real, life baby.

Infertility is putting your life on hold. You postpone trips based on doctors appointments and procedures and can’t help but to immediately think, “eek! I could be 9 weeks pregnant on my next trip!”  Financially, you stop committing to dinners or buy less gifts because meds are SO expensive. The life you thought you’d be living is far from what you’re living now.

It’s surviving on hope, faith and the grace of God. You can tell yourself a billion times that His plan is better than yours, but it doesn’t mean you don’t pray a billion+one times to finally be on the same path. It’s reminding yourself that miracles aren’t performed without pain and frustration, while the idea of doubt creeps its way into your heart. It’s suffocating when I begin to question God because I know He’s all I got.

Infertility is being a part of a tribe of women you never wanted to be a part of, but can’t imagine life without them, their story and their support. It’s finding your daily prayers now include, “Lord, keep your hands on Andi and Katelyn’s embryos” and many other hopeful mommies you now walk this road with. It’s having a secret Facebook group of cheerleaders that share the secrets of an endo scratch and taking polls of how many couples tested their embryos.

Infertility is much more than the inability to conceive. It’s frustrating, lonely and steals the joy you have left.

But sister, take comfort, God shows us SEVEN times in the Bible that He WILL perform miracles on the barren womb. When grief consumes you, when you feel like you can’t continue on this windy path anymore, remember that every person that sought God to conceive and birth children eventually had a child.

Genesis 25:21 “Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.”

While the struggles of infertility may be the greatest trial you and your partner may face, remember it does not have to be faced alone. Seek God’s will, pray to Him, and leave all the results up to Him.

{Please feel free to comment or email me with any prayer requests.}