My goal in sharing my story is not to make you feel uncomfortable or sorry for me. It is difficult for me to share my struggles and pain, but I can only hope my vulnerability can be translated to encourage you to open your eyes and take the chance to learn about compassion and understanding a journey other than your own. My goal is to educate.

I don’t want to educate you on infertility alone, but the entire struggle that comes along with it. The lessons I wouldn’t have learned if God handed us a baby as soon as we felt we were ready are invaluable. My story is not over, for all I know, it could be just the beginning. Regardless if this is Chapter 1 or Chapter 29, I’m thankful to have found and been able to see so many lights in this darkness because without it, my story would be one of judgment, sorrow, pain and grieving. My light is the conscious effort I put forth in finding the good in every bad and seeing the opportunity in every obstacle.

I have worked, hard, to find this inner peace. It is natural for me to be the insatiable, selfish and impulsive hot head I’ve always been. I’m an emotional woman; full of opinions and no filter. I speak before I think and I’m no stranger to putting my foot in my mouth. I’ve been comfortable for the past 28 years with having my emotions control my behaviors. But when I noticed I was beginning to feel unhealthy bitterness towards birth announcements and other babies, I knew I would lose the battle with myself if I began to crumble by not finding joy in other people’s happiness. As soon as I acknowledged those ugly feelings, I began to teach myself how to deal with them. The energy you put out is the energy you receive, and my stubborn self knew I was not going to accept negativity headed in my direction. I learned to recognize that pain and tell myself the same thing every time I felt the initial woe is me feeling …

It’s okay to be sad during infertility. But it is not okay to feel defeated by the blessings other people receive. This is not about you, Jayme, it is nothing personal. It’s about timing and trust. I trust in His timing. Be thankful for their blessing, as you will want them to celebrate with you when our blessing comes. 

And just like that, I began to feel their happiness before my pain. Of course I still want to throw my phone across the room sometimes when I’m perusing Facebook and feel caught off guard, but that’s normal (I think).  And yes, sometimes I still roll my eyes when I find myself on the receiving end of a brag session about someones kid. But I gotta keep it real and admit I’m not completely, immediately grateful for the rocky road we’ve been handed.

I suppose a large part of this epiphany is God’s grace and knowing the weaker I am, the stronger He is. I smile when I think about how weak I must have been at the beginning of this journey and where I saw holes, God saw nothing but opportunity.

Learning how to control my feelings and knowing it is mind over matter has become one of the lights that has found its way through the darkness. It is one more way I know God’s timing is perfect, because I know I want to be the strongest woman I can possibly be for that child of mine that will look up to me, someday.