Grab a cup’a jo and a warm blanket because this post is a doozie.

October 2012 – The ole J & J marriage story began. Unbeknownst to us, so did our journey through infertility. We were casually “trying” but not actively. No tracking, no monitoring, no tests, just the old fashioned givin’ it a go.

May 2013 – Began home O tests… all negative. But not really sweating things just yet.

September 2013 – Still not a single positive O test so I scheduled my first doctors appointment to ask a few questions. September 11, to be exact.

October 2013 – It was time to get my game face on. John didn’t know yet what that meant, but that’s okay.

October 2013 – First true life lesson learned: Men may not understand the thoughts and feelings you’re having, and probably don’t understand why women are so hard on themselves. But that’s okay. Don’t get frustrated because someone doesn’t understand you or because you feel like they’re not as invested as you are. They’re probably not. They’re not the ones taking the tests, or asking the questions… yet. The beginning stages of infertility, in my opinion, were the hardest.

January – March 2014 – Took three rounds of Clomid, 50 mg, and had positive O all three months. Still no positive preg tests though… Looking back, I think it’s safe to say these were the worst times for me. I felt alone, misunderstood, broken, judged, inept and an unfair wife because I couldn’t give my husband a child.  I was surrounded by babies and other women that would tell me how wonderful motherhood was and it “would happen for me someday.” Each time felt like a dagger but by March, you coulda put a knife in me and I wouldn’t have felt it. I was numb. Finally.

March 2014 – We began John’s testing. This is where the lesson learned in October comes into play. As soon as we found out it wasn’t just me that needed some “medical attention” when it comes to reproducing, John immediately became my partner and teammate. It’s not that he was absent prior to this, he just didn’t fully understand and I’m sure felt some resentment towards me that I was broken. A switch flipped.. John understood me and took responsibility that it takes two. He was empathetic and proactive, comforting me when I had my dark days and took matters into his own hands (no pun intended, but hilarious nonetheless) by making his appointments and becoming (again, unintentionally funny) eager to find answers and solutions.

March – June 2014 – Our doctor count was up to four, including two specialists, and we were knee deep in the TTC (trying to conceive) ocean. Each test result came back worse than the one before and the glimpse of hope I had began to fade.

September 2014 – We began fertility treatments in Cincinnati. I will go into more detail on the procedures in the next post but I’m confident we made the right decision and the added inconvenience of driving to Cincy will be completely worth it in the end. Rumor has it, these docs know what they’re doing.

November 2014 – In this moment, medically speaking, I’m here:

TCC – IUI1 – BFN – 7dpIUI2 – TWW – FC.  In case you don’t speak whale, that means we have had one unsuccessful IUI (intrauterine insemination) procedure and we are in the two week wait period to see if our second IUI procedure was successful or not. Our future plans if #2 is unsuccessful… I will get a hysterosalpingogram, a dye test of my uterus and tubes, and then we will try IUI #3. From there, we will begin rounds of ICSI, a procedure one step above IVF. Since that’s probably jibberish, I’ll explain the best way I know how… In vivo fertilization is when an egg is fertilized by a sperm INSIDE the body, or I would call “natural conception.”  IVF (in vitro fertilization) is when fertilization happens OUTSIDE of the body. The sperm fertilizes the egg in a lab. ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) is a type of IVF where a single sperm is injected directly into the egg.. it’s a very concentrated, specific form of IVF.

Emotionally speaking, I’m here: Exactly where I should be. I’m strong, maybe stronger than ever. I’m genuinely happy for every.single.baby announcement I see and could not be more relieved to have the ugly, damaging feelings of jealousy and selfishness out of my system. My heart knows God in ways it’s never known before. I know He would not put the need of being a mother in my life if He didn’t have a plan to fulfill it. I’m hopeful, but realistic and glad John is on my side.

I may still not have a positive pregnancy test, but I have a positive mental outlook and at this point, that is just as important.